someone: ancient philosophers are just so intelligent and amazing, and we should strive to be like them
socrates: told the people prosecuting him that instead of putting him to death they should give him free food for life like they do with successful athletes because he’s like the brain version of an athlete
diogenes: threw a plucked chicken at plato to make fun of his theory of humanity
chrysippus: died laughing at his own incredibly stupid joke
empedocles: jumped into a volcano to prove his immortality
pythagoras: refused to eat beans, possibly because he thought that the souls of the dead would rise up through their stalks and reside in the beans
cicero: wrote two mediocre epic poems about himself
lucretius: spends part of his philosophical poem talking about doggy-style sex
i'm very gay. i'd like a few dollars. 