Kids these days who think that being a bard is just about swinging swords and playing lutes disgust me. Where’s the pizzazz? The showmanship? The seduction??
you ain’t a real bard until you seduce your way out of at least 19 situations that would normally end in combat
You’re not a real bard until you make your DM cry because you seduced the Big Bad that they’ve built up to for 10 sessions
Once a bard friend rolled a 1 for a seduction and ended up killing a girl and tried to hide the body. He was caught, rolled low on deception and they all thought he was fucking her corpse. He then tried seducing the guards and rolled low again so all the guards had boners while arresting him and the DM had to sideline the entire game and make up a dungeon for the rest of us to get our stupid bard out of. But we didn’t. So for like 3 nights the DM essentially ran 2 different games, one of us questing without ol’ corpsefucker and then the adventures of corpsefucker: escape from boner castle.
yesterday my first table at work was 4 complete shitholes who yelled at me twice before i even took their food order and almost made me cry. before they ate, they all bowed their heads to pray.
so on the top of their receipt i wrote “hebrews 13:2″ and they went WILD. they LOVED IT. they tipped me over 20% for my “education fund”.
hebrews 13:2 is “do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it”, and i really hope they got home and looked it up and realized that i am, in fact, a petty fucking bitch
every wikipedia entry for a comic book character is like
Classic Era: Professor Two-Apes was created when a bored alien glued two gorillas together with a magic rock. He later turned to evil when a colleague took credit for his research. In his debut appearance, Professor Two-Apes turned the Eiffel Tower into a banana.
Modern Era: Tu-Apes was the result of years of painful animal experimentation. He killed the doctor who created him, stole the blood-stained diploma off his wall, and now wears it around his neck. In the Conflagration crossover event, he was seen being beaten to death with one of his own spines. He was later resurrected by Satanists and currently suffers from a debilitating heroin addiction.
i'm very gay. i'd like a few dollars. 