what the fuck is this article
Category: Uncategorized
too many fuckn degrees outside
so my roomates girlfriend just caught me in the kitchen and its so hard to play it cool when you never see this person you only hear her yowling like a cat in heat while her asshole gets played with so me, trying to act as casual as i possibly could, forgot i was holding an onion and not a delightful apple and bit into it fully expecting a honeycrisp but instead got the equiv of biting solid piss
lol wtaf. i can’t read a single word of this paragraph
Ok but imagine being the gf here
You’ve been chillin with ur S/O and u decide to get up and get a snack. U never talk to ur S/O’s roommate, but u wanna play it cool like u didn’t just have sex 20 minutes ago in this apartment while said roommate was probably home. Awk af, but u got this.
U look up and nod at them, about to offer a noncommittal “hey” or “how’s it going,” when the fucking roommate just
Looks u dead in the eyes
And fuckin
Bites a goddamn onion like an apple
y’all ever see the dumbest most useless comment on your post and you go to their blog and see Oh They Just Live Like This
You need to understand some important things about Simon Belmont.
He’s a good man, he’s a Gym Chad, he’s the one that sees someone super scrawny or morbidly obese enter the gym and immediately gives them the warmest welcome and helps them get fit. He’s the guy playing basketball with the neighborhood kids after Sunday mass, Simon’s good.
But that doesn’t mean Simon’s soft.
Look at his body. Look at his Triple A Grade Beefcake constitution. Simon Belmont cracks chestnuts with his pectorals. Whenever he flexes his biceps, ballistic detection radars everywhere trigger. His hands are considered open carry weapons. Why did he develop this body of steel? To make sure evil REALLY gets what its got coming to it.
Simon’s good, but not soft. Simon went and beat the UTTER HELL out of Dracula (who in the Castlevania context is basically a living God) and his whole Halloween entourage (which included Death It-fucking-self), just fucking ragdolled that Bela Lugosi-looking mother fucker across his stupid ass throne room like he owed him money, and then, when we thought he was done, when he thought he was done, Dracula is like “I really don’t like getting my ass beat this hard, so I’m gonna curse you with my dying breath, haha, later sucker!”
And that was the worst mistake Dracula could have ever made, because Simon, now Super Kaio Ken Times 10 Ultra Instinct Blanco El Padre Forma Final Pissed. How pissed is that? Why, pissed enough to manually, personally traverse a whole country looking for the scattered pieces of Dracula’s body (BECAUSE HE MANGLED HIM THAT DAMN HARD, I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH), finding them, assembling them in an extra unholy altar, and reviving Dracula with his own hands just so he could beat the UTTER HELL out of him again, but EVEN HARDER this time. Just god damn made Playdoh out of his head! Threw him against every piece of furniture in the room! There’s literally no part of Dracula that Simon didn’t punch and whip! How fucking upset do you have to be to reassemble a walking horror and revive him with your own damn hands just so you can one up your own ultra beatdown from just a while ago? SIMON BELMONT UPSET, THAT’S HOW UPSET. At that point, Dracula didn’t even TRY again while Simon was alive, no way, he was done getting Turboplexed through tables and 67-hit air combo’d. He was like “aight G, you, you live the rest of your life good, I’m done now, sorry, I’m so sorry” and the Simon beat him up some more, and left a message to all his descendants: “If you see this bitch? Fuck him UP”. And his entire bloodline DELIVERED.
Castlevania is a franchise of people just beating the tar out of a technically very powerful dude because he messed with the wrong beefcake. Dracula has Death Itself at his side and it doesn’t help him! Hell, Death gets beat up just as much as Dracula, if not a bit more! When not even Grim Gregory Reaper himself can fucking help you, why are you EVEN TRYING to go at these people!? Even Dracula’s son, Alucard, was like “oh yeah no actually I don’t wanna get ragdolled like that” and switched sides so he could ragdoll his own dad (also because of some mom stuff but), like, IT’S JUST COMMON SENSE.
Simon’s good, but not soft. You cross him, you really pay for it for generations through generations. You BETTER behave.
i thought i saw some transistor fanart on my dash a few days ago, but now i’m not sure if it was real or i just dreamed it
anyone else have one of those Formative Omegle Experiences that’s stuck with you
i remember once matching up with this 27 year old mechanic. he found the omegle page open on one the shop’s computers, and he wanted to see what his coworker was up to. we matched up because of our listed “manga” interests.
he asked how old i was, and i lied and said i was 16. as a conversation starter, he asked if i had my license yet, and because i was 12, i said no.
so he starts giving me driving tips. get a junker as your first, because when you finally get a new car, you’ll be able to appreciate it.
stick shift is going out of fashion, and even if you learn how to drive that way and enjoy it, get an automatic. it’ll save your ass on nasty hills and in rush hour traffic.
and most importantly, never hold your hands at 10 and 2. go with 9 and 3. he’d always loved cars, and used to race when he was younger. became pretty well known in the indie circles. one day, he was speeding around the track and just came out of the curve when a girl in the crowd flashed her tits at him.
he was so distracted that he crashed straight into the barrier. due to how he was holding the wheel, he broke both of his arms. he still has a couple lingering issues.
i asked him if it was worth it, and he said yes. he’d do it again if he had the chance. they were the finest tiddies he’d ever seen.
the moral of this story is that, to this day, i grip 9 and 3 when using both hands because wait that’s what tiddy guy said i should do.
i'm very gay. i'd like a few dollars. 