How to tell if you are emotionally abusive

hobbitsaarebas:

alexaunderground:

elizabethalexis:

lora-mathis:

annnmoody:

fuckyeahwomenprotesting:

I feel we talk about signs of abuse from the victims standpoint but not from the abusers standpoint. In order to stop emotional abuse and recognize when we engage in unhealthy behaviors I made this list.

• Do you react to important people in your life by ignoring them completely and not acknowledging their presence? Especially if they do something you don’t like?

• Do you feel that your partner/friends/family members are the cause of your bad moods or frustration?

• Does your partner/etc “do things the wrong way”?

• Do criticize your partner/etc for being unreliable or a bad person?

• Do you feel you have to constantly overlook your partners flaws in order to be around them?

• Are you frequently accused of being “moody” or “hard to please”?

• Do your partners complain that “nothing they do is good enough?

• Do your partners appear to avoid you when you are angry or upset rather then comfort you?

• Do you negatively comment on their intelligence or appearence? Either in private or in front of others.

• Do you blame them when someone goes wrong?

• Do you ever use phrases like “I could just hit you right now” or “I”m so mad I could punch something”?

• Do you ever punch walls/throw things in front of your partner/etc?

• Do you leave during fights and not inform of where you are going and when you will be back?

• Do you behave the same alone with your partner that you do if you were in front of your friends or in public?

• Have you frequently accused your partner of being too sensitive?

• How often is your partner praised and complimented by yourself?

• Do you think your partner spends too much time with friends and family?

• Do you feel your partners friends and family are trying to drive you apart?

• Do you actively comfort your partner when they are upset or angry even if you don’t really understand why they feel the way they do?

• If your partner brings up a behavior that bothers them do you respond by discussing how to change it or do you respond defensively?

• Do you have difficulty apologizing?

All of these things are abuse tactics. Obviously even the healthiest of us will do these sometimes but if any one becomes a regular habit that’s when the problem starts.

this is super important, i feel like this website makes it easy to put yourself in the role of the victim but never the abuser. It’s also important to note that being a victim does not preclude you from being an abuser.

I find this esp. important. I’ve exhibited some of these behaviors. I know abuse perpetuates abuse and that victims of abuse learn abusive behavior. I also know that having mental illness can make reacting and dealing with feelings even more difficult. That being said: being mentally ill does not mean you cannot be held accountable for your actions. Nor does being a survivor of abuse. I gotta take care of myself & heal and recognize how trauma and mental illness plays a role in how I treat others. Being a victim doesn’t mean you cannot be an abuser too. 

this is the most important post on this website.

Thank you for this.

“Obviously even the healthiest of us will do these sometimes but if any one becomes a regular habit that’s when the problem starts.“

This is an important fact that I think gets lost in tumblr’s fixation with moral purity/absolutism. It’s normal to have graceless moments sometimes, when you react badly or say something insensitive/thoughtless/ignorant. When you do, apologize if you can, and move on. But there is a big difference between failing to be perfect, and having an ongoing pattern of mistreating others and refusing to change. 

Abuse often comes up in the belief that you have a right to be cruel, shaming, violent, belittling, or otherwise punitive to others if you don’t like their behavior. And by this, I’m not referring to being curt/impolite to gnarly bigots on tumblr and IRL, or holding someone accountable when they hurt you, even if they find it upsetting to be told they messed up. I mean, when the people you love displease you, do you think you have the right to punish them and make them feel self-loathing or afraid? Do you act to make them feel miserable too if you feel bad? Do you go beyond just expressing your feelings/boundaries and push to control others so you no longer have to feel anything you dislike?

Self-reflection of this type can be even harder to parse when you’ve been abused, because it’s natural to retaliate against your abuser, or to want to. Self-defense/self-protection against abuse is not the same as abuse, but abuse makes that distinction really confusing from the inside. It’s natural to hate your abuser, to want them to suffer for what they’re doing/did to you, to struggle to tolerate their harmful behavior, etc. This does not make you abusive. But just because you have been abused doesn’t mean that everything you do/did – even to your abuser – is ok, or that it was all just self-defense.

I don’t have a reliable way to help anyone distinguish between self-defense and abusive patterns. I wish I did. It’s confusing and complex to figure out, especially in relationships between people who are both marginalized or are both survivors. 

And tumblr’s absolutism makes it hard for people to self-reflect, because it makes the emotional cost of doing so incredibly high – often intolerably high. If we believe that all people who are or have been abusive are irredeemable garbage who should die/be killed/be isolated from others forever, what is someone supposed to do when they recognize abusiveness in theirself? If the cost of self-reflection is death or losing everyone you love, self-reflection will be avoided. Instead of protecting survivors, this absolutism teaches people (many of whom are survivors) who recognize their own abusiveness to either go into denial (thus prolonging the abuse) or to self-destruct via self-harm or suicide, rather than trying to change. 

I am not saying anyone should be forced to manage their abuser’s behavior, share spaces with their abuser, or feel empathy for those who hurt them. But I am saying that conversations about abuse, survivors, marginalization, and accountability are often much more complex than most of us like to admit.