that one post about non-apologies that’s currently going around kind of vaguely pisses me off, especially the versions that talk about how that kind of apology is an abuse tactic. i understand its main point, but also i am an abuse victim who’s been taught to apologize for anything that may anger my abuser, even if i wasn’t really in the wrong per se. i know now that my abuser gaslit me into believing harmless behaviors were wrong simply because she didn’t like them. i’m also autistic and not always great with empathy or social graces, so sometimes i stick my foot in my mouth. in fact, i have reason to believe that’s a big part of why i’ve been abused. add it up, and it means that i often upset people without knowing how much of an ass i was being or how justified their anger at me is. 

so i may not understand what i did wrong or why it was wrong, but if your feelings are genuine (and sometimes i have no damn idea if they are), then i am truly sorry for hurting you. i also feel the need to offer explanations for my behavior because i know i don’t always think like other people, and i really really don’t want any more people to think of me as a bad person. because being perceived as a bad person means more hate and abuse.

tl;dr my so called “non-apologies” are a kind of defense mechanism against being abused and gaslit, and i use them even when i am honestly sorry, partly because i feel a need to protect myself and partly out of habit. i’m not a bad person and i don’t want to be a bad person and i swear to god my apologies are almost always genuine. i’m scared that people will look only at my words and decide i’m being evil just because they were told that specific phrasing is always wrong.